Sunday, May 8, 2011

Different Kind of Mother's Day

This is a somewhat Debbie Downer've been warned.

We've laid low most of the day today.  I do feel bad that we missed church, but a Mother's Day service  just wasn't something I was ready for right now.

As many of you know, my first due date is coming up (it would have been May 23rd).  This is one of those milestones I didn't think I would get to not pregnant, but here I am.  Coincidentally, May 22nd of last year was the day we officially started trying for a baby.  

I think I've gotten to the point where I'm just numb to it all.  There are so many "deadlines" that I had set in my head that I just KNEW I would be pregnant by, and they keep on coming and going.  So, as my own self-defense, I just don't think about it, simple as that.

Not going out much today is part of that denial of it all.  But it has just seemed to follow me today.  Like the woman at the drive-thru last night that wished me a happy Mother's Day if I was a mom.  Or the lady that saw me buying formula today (for donations), and asked how many babies I had.  They meant well, but it still stung.  Someday, I'm going to get up the guts to tell those people that ask me that I have two babies, because I do have two...I just never met them.  But I still haven't gotten up the guts for it - I'm afraid I'd weird everybody out.  So I smile, and say thank you, and keep going about my day.

We passed TCBY today, and Noah joked that I should go in and tell them I was a mom for a free ice cream.  I looked at him and said, "Well I could, and I dare anybody to argue with me today."  Once again, I didn't though...I wasn't in the mood for a come-apart over ice cream in the middle of TCBY.

But honestly?  The last two weeks have put things MUCH more into perspective.  I'm alive, so is Noah, we have our jobs, we have our house, our family wasn't hurt...and that's saying A LOT in this town right now.  That's what's important.  I feel so guilty feeling this way with so many suffering around us, but I'd be lying if I said that it didn't still feel like a huge chunk of me was missing.

I wrote this post on Mother's Day two years ago.  I so wish I could go back and have a long talk with the girl that wrote that post, just to prepare her.  She's got a pretty eventful couple of years coming her way.