Saturday, October 2, 2010

What's Been Going On

(Warning:  Long post, and some parts may be TMI - they were necessary to explain everything.)

In May, Noah and I decided we wanted to start trying for a family.  I had (very naively, mind you) always just been under the impression that when you decided you wanted a baby, you could have one...obviously, that's not always the case.  Let me preface this by saying that I have SO much more respect for women that struggle with infertility after this.  What I've been through in the past few months isn't even close to what you guys have been through.  I cannot even imagine the agony of dealing with this for years.

When I found out I wasn't pregnant in June, I wasn't too disheartened.  People very rarely get pregnant on the first try.  I wasn't even that upset in July when we found out we weren't pregnant.  But by August, I was sad.  I knew we were doing everything we could, and it just wasn't happening.  But I kept my chin up, and we kept on trying.

On September 10th, I took a test...and found out we were pregnant.  For about 36 hours, we were over the moon.  We told our family and close friends, but decided to keep it to just that for a few more weeks.  I have never been so excited.

We found out on a Friday afternoon, and by Sunday morning I just had this incredibly ominous feeling about it.  I chalked it up to my worrying (because I'm just naturally a BIG worrier), but I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.  By Sunday night, I had convinced myself I was crazy and tried to forget about it.

I went to work Monday morning, and was still having really painful cramps (just like period cramps).  I've heard before that lots of women have cramps when they're pregnant, so I didn't think too much of it.  Late in the morning on Monday, I realized I was spotting.

I freaked. 

I let Noah know what was going on, and called the doctor.  They got me in for an appointment the next day, and the doctor seemed not worried about it at all.  My hormone levels were looking wonderful (which is really the main indicator of a successful pregnancy before 6 weeks), so she just told me to call if got worse, and get some rest.

By Wednesday, I had some pretty extreme cramping and the spotting was getting worse, and for the first time, I had resigned to the fact that I was having a miscarriage.  Somehow, throughout the day on Wednesday, it didn't turn into miscarriage though.  I rested that day, and the next, and the next, until by Sunday, the spotting was all but gone.

The next couple of days were kind of a sigh of relief.  I was feeling the full-on effects of being pregnant, I wasn't cramping anymore...so we started to relax.  Those were two of the best days of this whole thing.  I let myself get convinced that we were pregnant, started looking at baby things online (which I hadn't done yet, and haven't done since), and was just generally happy to be pregnant.

Wednesday morning, I woke up and realized I was bleeding (not spotting).  So, I freaked (again) and thought I was miscarrying (again).  I also had someone hit my car on the way to work Wednesday morning, so I obviously got a sub and went home...it was just one of those days where you shouldn't get out of bed.   I called the doctor, and they had me come in to test some more of my hormone levels.  There was no way they could do an ultrasound yet for viability (I was 5 weeks 2 days at the time), and the doctor didn't want to freak me out by not seeing a baby on the ultrasound.  By that afternoon, we realized that my levels were "rising adequately" (as the doctor put it).  If you know anything about the pregnancy hormone, you know it's supposed to double about every 48 hours...mine was doubling every 70.  So not good, but adequate.

At this point, I was really starting to think this was over.  I had some worse bleeding Thursday afternoon, so I thought (for the third time) I was miscarrying.  I took Friday off, just so I could deal with all of this over the weekend.  But somehow, the bleeding/cramping went away again, and I started to feel normal again.  I had no idea what to think at this point.

That level of uncertainly lasted until this Thursday.  I finally had an ultrasound scheduled that I was sure would tell us something.  Really, I wanted to know either way, so I could start finally dealing with the grief or the excitement.  We go in for the ultrasound (I was 6 weeks, 3 days), and there's no baby.  I had a gestational sac that measured 5 weeks, 5 days at that point (so I was measuring 5 days behind)...but with absolutely nothing inside of it.  I knew from the second they found the sac that it wasn't good.  The ultrasound tech sent us to wait for a little while to talk to the doctor, and for the fourth time, I was convinced I was miscarrying.

That was probably the longest wait of my life.

When we got to go back to the doctor, she seemed like everything might be ok.  I was already crying when she walked in the room, so I'm not sure if she's just trying to soften the blow or if everything could be ok at this point.  She thinks I might just have my dates off (which I'm almost sure they aren't 5 days off, but I'm trying to trust her).  I had my hormone levels tested again, and my doubling time has gone way down...from 70 hours to 150 hours since the last test.  The doctor still says this isn't a big deal, and my hormone levels are testing in the 90th percentile for 5 weeks, 5 days.

I am doing everything I can at this point to trust my doctor.  But my gut feeling? I'm miscarrying.  Partly because I've lost all of my symptoms, partly because of the terrible hormone levels.  Or I'm not miscarrying, but there's no baby...which could be worse.

So that's where we stand...completely and totally confused, emotionally drained, and broken hearted.  Noah called it "pregnancy purgatory" this week, which is the best way I can think of to describe it.  I've never been on an emotional roller coaster like this in my life, and honestly, my nerves/emotions are just shot.  I think I've cried every day since September 12th.

I'm trying my absolute best to remember that this is all part of God's plan, but honestly?  I can't help but be upset about it right now.  I can't help but to ask "why us?"  I've told Noah over and over that I would literally pick ANY other area of my life to be unlucky than this.  I feel like I'm living out my worst nightmare right now.

So obviously, we need prayer on so many levels right now.  Prayer for the health of the baby (if there is one) and my health, prayer for peace with the situation.  You guys will never know how much I appreciate that.

I go in for another ultrasound next Thursday, to see if the sac/baby is growing.  I have no clue what to expect at that point.  Last Thursday, I was expecting some kind of resolution (either way), but didn't get it.  So I don't know if that's coming or not this week.  I want this to be ok more than anything in the world, but if this isn't meant to be, I wish we could just get it over with.  The uncertainty and pain of not having a resolution is killing us at this point.

Your support and prayers are so appreciated...thanks for being there for us during a difficult time.