Everybody’s been asking how I’m doing. I’m ok. Rather, I’m here. I don’t know if I’m ok yet, but I’m definitely on my way.
And to be honest? I’m relieved. I know that sounds so strange, but I am. I knew in my heart from the day I started bleeding that this was over. The gut-wrenching part was the wait – the uncertainty, having everybody tell me there was hope when I knew there wasn’t, the constant feeling I was doing something to hinder everything. Now that it’s over and I’m starting to accept that there was nothing I could do, I feel like the healing can begin. Don’t get me wrong, we are both beyond devastated, but I feel like the hardest part of this is behind us.
Yesterday was a blur. We had the ultrasound, 10 minutes later we were talking about options with the doctor, then I left the doctor’s office and went immediately to be prepped for surgery (my OBGYN’s office is in our hospital). After that, I was so drugged up for the rest of the day that it’s all kind of foggy. I was talking to my mom earlier, and I told her I was actually kind of glad that it all happened that fast. That I wasn’t able to really process it…I don’t know if I could have taken it if I had thought about it.
There are little parts of yesterday I don’t think I will ever forget though. Like waking up after the surgery to another girl that was screaming in pain and calling for her mom and husband (I’m assuming she had the same surgery I did). Or the sweet nurse coming in after I woke up and telling me she had the same surgery, then was pregnant 3 months later with her daughter. She said she knew she would see me again soon (she’s a L&D nurse too). Obviously, I was a basket case after she talked to me (mostly because I was still so drugged from the anesthesia that I barely knew where I was).
Physically and emotionally, this afternoon has been hard. Physically, the anesthesia has completely started to wear off and I feel like someone beat me up yesterday. My chest hurts from the breathing tube and it sort of feels like someone punched me in the stomach. I have pain killers (thank the LORD), but they’re really just taking the edge off right now.
Emotionally, I’ve had a few little things that have just kind of stung. My insurance company’s prenatal program sent me a welcome letter in the mail today. That was kind of tough. Noah promptly called and let them know what was going on, so hopefully that won’t happen again. We had also gotten a few baby things/maternity clothes (just as we saw them on sale), and I asked Noah to hide anything related to babies…I just can’t take seeing it right now. I heard the toys rattle, and just about lost it. A few minutes later, I had to go in the room we’re planning on using as a nursery, and officially did lose it. It was the first time I’ve let myself really think about it and cry since the surgery. I gave myself a few minutes and pulled it together though. It wasn’t the first time I’ve broken down, and I’m sure it won’t be the last…but it hasn’t gotten easier (yet).
There is no question that the best thing that has come out of this is my faith and trust in God. I’m not going to lie, it’s been an intense struggle to trust the Lord throughout this (and the past year, if we’re telling the truth). I could say that I wanted to trust Him, but then my Type A self would shine through, and I would worry and stress. Then, yesterday morning (before my appointment) it just kind of dawned on me. I WOULD be a mommy. There is zero question in my mind about that now….I completely trust that He is going to give me that. I didn’t know if it would be this time, I didn’t even know how long it will be, I don’t know what we will have to do to get that…He will provide the answers to that in time. But I will be a mommy. There is going to be pain, and I know this isn’t going to be easy. But I have this overwhelming peace that He will provide that for me know. I can’t tell you how comforting this is.
From here…well, we don’t know. And I’m ok with that right now. (I know, you’re asking “Where is uber Type A/planner Leslie and what have you done with her?”) We just need some time to process this and comfortably move on…I really don’t know how long that will take at this point. The few months that it took to get pregnant this time were intensely stressful, and that was completely my fault (once again, caused by my uber Type A personality). Add the past month of pure torture, and I just can’t take that again. Our doctor told us we can try again in about a month, but I don’t know if it will be that soon. If we get a month out and we’re still not there spiritually and emotionally, then we’re just not ready. Simple as that. This is definitely a new approach to life for me…I’ve always had a plan, always (thought I) knew what was coming next. Now, I really don’t want that…it’s only caused stress and worry, and I can’t take that now. We’re playing it by ear and trusting God, and that’s ok.
I don’t think I can say this enough…I WOULD NOT be here if it weren’t for our friends, family, and you guys. This blog has been a huge source of strength over the past few days, as well as some sweet things my friends have done and my family being there. Not to mention I have the best, best husband ever. He has been more than I could ever ask for the past few weeks. My mom and I were talking today, and she said, “Not that I ever doubted that Noah loved you…but there’s no way I can ever question it after the past few days.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
PS – If you’ve emailed me over the past few days and haven’t gotten a response, don’t think I’m ignoring you – I just haven’t really been able to reply to those without breaking down yet. I’m getting there, and you should get a reply in the next few days. I will respond to each and every email – it means so much that you took time out of your day to send me those kind words!
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